As tonight is Bonfire Night, instead of a postcard from the mayor's pharmaceutical collection, we thought we'd post an image of a 1975 box of fireworks that we just found in the cellar.
Back in 1970s Scarfolk, fireworks weren't used only during celebrations; they also had many other practical applications. For example, in medicine and healthcare, they were used by dentists to remove enamel from healthy teeth; rockets were employed by surgeons to demean rowdy prostate glands; and sparklers were taped to children's hands to stop them biting their fingernails.
Fireworks also had everyday uses: beauticians applied them as speedier alternatives to waxing, and inner-city school teachers used them to create volcano deities, as volcano deities don't typically manifest in deprived urban areas. They were even tied to emotionally unstable homing pigeons with skyphobia in an attempt to rouse them from their anxiousness.
Of course, children also loved them and incorporated them into playground games such as 'holdy-sparkler-screamy-stubs' and 'doctors, nurses and ECT (electroconvulsive therapy)', but above all they tasted great and came in several flavours including fizzy lemon & lime (see image), pork & hair and whisky & unknown.
Enjoy Bonfire Night but remember: if your Guy Fawkes effigy groans or moves unexpectedly, please call a council exorcist before placing him on the bonfire. And always light your Guy at arm's length in case he tries to bite.
WARNING: Fireworks are dangerous. Do not try any of the above at home. If you are homeless, do not try under a railway bridge or in a shop doorway. Always light a firework at arm's length, preferably using the arm of someone who has a better education than you and therefore more societal value. Never pick up or throw a firework at someone. If you want to do something like that join the army and/or become a terrorist.
