Wednesday, 7 January 2015

"Spoil Your Kids Rotten" Public Information (1979)

In July 1973, accused murderer Karen Skrayp walked free when the forensic evidence against her was found to be inconclusive. Skrayp had been arrested when her alleged victim's hairs were found stuck to her sharpened dentures. Though the hairs clearly belonged to the victim, forensic tests demonstrated that they shared most of their genetic make-up with polyethylene bottles used for carbonated drinks such as 7-UP, E-Cola and Fizzy Gravy. A murder conviction could not be brought against Skrayp who got off with a fine for the lesser crime of littering.

The case highlighted a serious environmental problem. Due to the abundance of food preservatives and plastics entering the food chain, people were slowly turning into potentially indestructible 'living dolls'. Indeed, several exhumations showed that cadavers were not decomposing. Human decay rates were slowing to that of discarded bubble wrap or a Wombles lunch box.

Scarfolk Council was the first to suggest that church graveyards and crematoria be converted into mass human recycling centres. It proposed that recently deceased relatives be placed into pork-coloured dustbins to be collected bi-monthly for recycling. Human remains would be rendered into drinking straws, lifelike plastic models of children for barren couples, and religious figurines for the intellectually barren. One man, Jack Powers, became so famous for the particularly high plastic content in his body that when he died he was made into his own series of eponymous action figures.

A council booklet published in 1979 (see below) proposed that parents treat their children as early as possible so that by the time they are grown up they are already partially putrefied.


  1. I particularly enjoyed "religious figurines for the intellectually barren".

  2. Funeral taxes are good for the economy but it should be better to invite people to give their body to young surgeon's practice sparetime.
    For exemple by increasing the penalty for people who refuse it.
    Alive givers should have the opportunity to make an effort for the Skarfolk's sake.
    This plasticizing process should be better known by the men in white, before 2000 (if Scarfolk's people found a way to stop the cycling time effects of the 70's loop).
    In many cases, parents can't choose the correct bin for dead children.
    The percentage of plastic in the flesh should be analysed at home with a reasonably priced kit.
    Parents could be less stressed if they had the opportunity to do this kind of test every month, accidents happens so fast (melted arm after an attempt to put two fingers in the plug ; pressure-cooker unproperly carried by the young ones, etc) !
    Plastic people represents the future, in a world where paper is probably the most dangerous substance.

  3. Rumours that the Tory Party use the Scarfolk Council website for ideas have yet to be confirmed.
    (eyes recently-appeared pork-coloured dustbin suspiciously)