Monday 29 April 2013

W. Smith newspapers, magazines, stationery, 1979

Here's a 1979 shopping carrier bag from W. Smith, a leading newsagent, stationers and music shop.

When Winston Smith retired from the Records Department at the Ministry of Truth, he decided to open his own high-street Records Department in Scarfolk.

Daily newspapers were updated every 3 minutes and anyone possessing an out-of-date edition was arrested, prosecuted for dissent, and declared a "Scarfnot" (An "unperson" in Scarfolk).

Books were also constantly rewritten and "unbook" tokens were available. These tokens could be exchanged for any given book's amended pages. Indeed, some books were corrected so frequently that maintaining a single book could run into hundreds if not thousands of pounds.

A book's contents could change drastically. For example, by 1979, the erotic sci-fi thriller, "Affordable Brothel of the 9th Moon of Jupiter," bore little resemblance to its first edition, which was originally titled the "New Testament," a story about a Galilean carpenter who opens a budget furniture store in Sweden.

Most people found it easier not to buy or read books.

Items for sale week of 06/11/1979:

All magazines/comics - 65p:
Women Weakly (Highlighting the disruptive and damaging role of women in society).
Telescreen Fun (A weekly cartoon strip singling out individual children and deriding them for  personal indiscretions).
Rats 'n' Laughs (Hilarious images of people's expressions when hungry rats in cages are attached to their faces. Plus prisoners' letters).

Music dept:
"It's Inner Party Time!" and other public confession LPs & tapes - £3.99.

Friday 26 April 2013

"Stop The Ripper From Killing Again" Police appeal ads

This police message appeared in national newspapers and as posters in Scarfolk schools, libraries and community centres for occult cloning.

The Lynch case aside, in the late 1970s there was another manhunt underway for the killer of three actresses. The police, desperate to spark the memories of any potential witnesses, planned a reenactment and hired Jonty Lumm, an actor and model who most resembled police sketches of the killer.

During the reenactment Jonty killed the actress hired to play one of the actress victims and the police quickly realised that they would have to engage another actor to portray Jonty in a future reenactment.

Though Jonty Lumm was never found, police reenactments became popular. Scarfolk prison put on its own charity reenactments in which inmates would replay their own crimes for an enthusiastic audience. The 1979 show raised £7,799 for a charity that helped police men and women learn how to read.

Monday 22 April 2013

"Never Go With Strange Children" public information poster, 1977

This public information poster was ubiquitous during the mid-1970s when there was a spate of cases involving adults being abducted from leisure centres, building sites and nudist beaches.

The police launched a public manhunt hoping that the perpetrator would be swiftly apprehended, but the crimes went unsolved for nearly two years. Terrified grownups would only go outside in groups of four or five and many pubs refused to open.

It was only when a police medium read the entrails of a recently sacrificed tramp that clues were finally unearthed, leading to the arrest of eight year old Steven Benson who had fed his victims to his tortoise, Admiral Twinkles.

When Steven was taken into state care and Admiral Twinkles escaped, it was suggested that the tortoise, which was an illegal immigrant, had used 'Manchurian Candidate' style psychological techniques to manipulate young Steven into subconsciously carrying out his instructions.

Wednesday 17 April 2013

"Put Down Old People At Birth" Conservative Party campaign leaflet, 1979

With the funeral of ex-prime minister and hobby taxidermist Margaret Thatcher underway, it is perhaps appropriate that this item from the archive is posted today.

This leaflet was distributed throughout Scarfolk during the 1979 Conservative Party campaign. With such clear policies and faultless logic, it's little wonder that the Tories won the election. The Labour Party had pushed Britain into a deep recession following numerous strikes by miners, postal workers and the royal family who, throughout 1976, refused to politely wave on Tuesdays, weekends and bank holidays.

However, under the Tory government, Scarfolk lost several of its community covens, and the council's plans to convert Scarfolk Towers, the site of a series of occult killings, into a children's nighttime playground were thwarted. Additionally, Scarfolk residents were vexed that mystical phenomena became taxable, which led to an increase in back-street astral projections.

Monday 15 April 2013

Tupperware urns, 1973

Here's a scan of a Tupperware advert that appeared in a 1973 issue of the The Scarfolk Times Sunday magazine.

Back in the early 1970s, people weren't entirely convinced that death was final, irrespective of whether or not their loved ones had been cremated. The general opinion was: it can't hurt to keep things as fresh as possible. Just in case.

It was around this time that children throughout Scarfolk began seeing ghosts of seahorses drifting on the breeze. Adults could not see the apparitions, so the children were not believed at first, but 'Old Jamton Bones,' a recluse who lived in Scarfolk Woods, came out of his hermitage, proclaiming the seashorses to be an omen.

According to Bones, every forty years the appearance of the seahorses heralds a big change in Scarfolk. For legal reasons, what happened back in 1973 cannot be discussed here, but it is now forty years since their last appearance.

The mayor will keep you posted...

Friday 12 April 2013

"Let's Learn About...Torture" 1976

This textbook was taught in Scarfolk schools in 1976. Here's an excerpt from the introduction:

"Experts agree that information and its communication will be very important in the late 20th and early 21st centuries. Information will become a commodity, sold only to the highest bidders, so it is crucial that students learn how to acquire information as quickly as possible if they want to survive.

Some information can be found in library books, but oftentimes, the most valuable information is buried inside another person's mind. It is up to pupils to mine that information, much like a prospector searches for coal. Sometimes he will use dynamite, other times a powerful drill is more appropriate. There are many ways that a person's mind may be mined.

Here are just a few techniques that you can try on your classmates:

--Scream at them in a high-pitched, helium-inhaled voice without pause for 47 hours.

--Beat the soles of their feet with an effigy of Jesus made out of frozen, compacted ladybirds.

--Pass a pair of stockings dipped in marmalade through their entire body from anus to mouth and then refuse to let them win a game of Monopoly.

--Bake them at gas mark 4 (350 degrees F) for 45 minutes or until the top becomes a rich, golden brown.

--Staple or glue them to a panicking, claustrophobic ostrich..."

Monday 8 April 2013

"How to Wash a Child's Brain" Pelican Books, 1971

With the SHS (Scarfolk Health Service) stretched to its limits and running low on resources, parents in the early 1970s were encouraged to remove and wash their children's brains at home.

In 1971 Scarfolk Council collaborated with Pelican Books to produce this handy 21-page guide to brain and cranial cavity cleansing.

An excerpt from the book:

"... Always wear woollen gloves (or mittens) [...] After the child's brain has been removed with the two brain spoons, rinse it in a solution of vinegar, ammonia and curry powder, then rest the brain on a soft cloth or tea towel for a few minutes, or for as long as is convenient. During this time remove all your clothes and incant pagan ritual #23, as found in the appendix (of this book, not your child) [...] Do not spit on the brain or leave it near a hungry or rabid pet, such as a guinea pig [...] If the brain has swelled outside the cranial cavity and will no longer fit, simply snip away part of the frontal or temporal lobe with nail clippers and discard. This will not affect your child's development. [...] If your child has a seizure slap it and insist that bad behaviour will not be tolerated..."

Saturday 6 April 2013

"Black Spot" public discretion cards, 1978

Scarfolk Council had a few problems with outsiders, or "Scarfnots" as they were known, interfering in town affairs throughout the 1970s, so it developed a scheme to encourage civic discretion.

The severity of punishment for a "loose tongue" more or less guaranteed obedience, though a few Black Spot cards were issued.

For example, four year old Jeremy Chapped inadvertently discussed with his "Scarfnot" trepanning teacher the sudden, inexplicable appearances of ancient megaliths in schools and community centres, and found himself facing capital punishment.

In lieu of this penalty he pushed an unloved aunt in the path of a speeding hovercraft for which he received not only a cub scout badge, but also a £5 book token from the mayor.

Thursday 4 April 2013

Meet Mr. Rumbelows, Minister for Health.

Here's another page from the children's book "Let's Sing The Unspeakable Together," which was first published in 1970 (Go here for more details and another excerpt from the book).

Mr. Rumbelows was eventually tracked down by the authorities and coerced back into his position as minister for public health.

However, his obsession with bodily 'tidiness,' as he called it, never abated and by 1977 he was completely limbless. He could only operate his typewriter with a mixture of telekinesis and a complex device made out of lolly-pop sticks, coat hanger wire and double-sided sticky tape.

Tuesday 2 April 2013

Mills & Boon: "Catheters, Kisses & Colostomies" 1974

Until 1971 married women were only allowed to leave their husbands' homes if they had the appropriate documentation. The so-called 'Wife Pass' also restricted married ladies to selected shops: supermarkets, hairdressers, bingo halls, etc.

However, once a year, ladies could enter a bookshop (if accompanied by a man), but only to buy recipe books, cheap romance novels, or calenders containing photographs of kittens frolicking in wool.

The 'Pass' listed a wife's government-allocated prettiness rating, her most accomplished household skills (bed making, cooking, dog worming, etc), as well as her preferred brands of washing powder and other cleaning products.

The author of "Catheters, Kisses & Colostomies," Gigi Feague, was actually a violent schizophrenic called Trevor 'Terror' Chlidge who, when not smearing himself with his own faeces and screaming in his Scarfolk Prison cell, wrote dozens of romance books, as well as guides for parents about childcare and child development in general. 

Monday 1 April 2013

Vicks Vaporub Blindness Ointment, 1978

You've probably not even recovered from the excitement of the last postcard from the mayor's rare 1970s pharmaceutical collection, yet here's another bombshell.

This is the Vicks Vaporub postcard from 1978 that came free with multi-pack orders of prosthetic eyes.
Vicks Vaporub was originally invented to temporarily blind children for up to one hour while parents did things they didn't want their offspring to witness.

The original Vicks formula also contained a psychotropic ingredient that caused hallucinations, but it was withdrawn after a class of contagious children escaped from Scarfolk high-security infant school posing as alarmed peahens.