Thursday 11 June 2015

"Natal Truancy" Leaflet (1974)

A 1974 study by the NCC (Natal Crime Commission) in Scarfolk discovered that 2 out of 5 pregnant women were not turning up for the birth of their own child. 

Doctors rejected the hypothesis that backstreet, occult practitioners might be responsible, but failed to solve how babies were bypassing the traditional medium of a biological mother and delivering themselves into the world.

When some of the absentee mothers were tracked down they couldn't account for their lack of attendance, though eye-witnesses placed the women in various locations at the time that they should have been giving birth: at cocktail parties, playing Bingo, watching the radio, reading grimoires in the coven library and communing naked with a black-pelted half-man, half-goat in supermarket car parks.

Children born as a result of maternal misdemeanours tended not to get along with other children, particularly because they levitated uncontrollably. Many schools were forced to enclose their grounds inside large nets or perspex domes to catch the drifting minors.


  1. On the other hand, many fathers weren't there at the conception. Most of the women were... I think.
    Not to mention the babies who are not physically present at many nervous pregnancies.
    I was told by a friend of Doctor Otto Outtolunch that many retired or passed away nurses can swear anytime that everyday they can see families waiting at the hospital while new born cheaters are undoubtly enjoying some 4th dimension milk-pool orgy with ugly music.
    For those nurses, it explains all cases of mixed-up babies. When a child is coming two days or more after his birth, he can't pick the proper maternity bed to take some rest. He often put the baby who already was there in another bed, and so forth.
    The reason for this is easy to understand, those doctors always take too much time for writing articles...
    Some believe in a cross-over between regular officism and hard-to-handle telepathy and before they knew it an unexpected piece of life in a belly is reading all their thoughts :
    "Who wants an unfinished dwarf who groans when you pay him a beer, always find some reason for not going to work and never made any statement against the nazis when too many died on the battlefield ?"
    But most of them doesn't want to learn to go to the toilet by themselves or pay taxes.
    Some hang themselves immediately, others died from OD after pumping far too much adrenaline. Very few start to breath like regular human beings.
    I'm hiring born-dead spirits for my home security system but the ones who didn't die of umbilical cord strangling are too noisy when not requested.
    Those ones better stay in the hospitals to maintain the common fear about a too expensive health system.
    Some choose to have a secret birthdate when they will be able to sneak between cardboards boxes on dark forgotten places in far suburbs.
    Before that, they move randomly between frustrated minds and informal thoughts of little girls playing with puppets or teenagers who hope to keep their Kevin with a miraculous sense of responsibility arising just like that at 15 years old.
    Levitation is fun, compared to this !
    Many of them decide to become social outcasts and never get through the infamous "no-love-no-way-out" trauma described by Dr Notyetthere.
    Do you really believe the ****shit about the ones who had a great work in the stock market and suddently had to live in a caddy in a park ?
    Believe it or not, but my twin sister wrote with nasal secretions on our shared placenta that she had to try to make a belly-to-belly change.
    She expected to ate nothing less than a princess in a cheap sci-fi year like 2015 to give herself a good start.
    "I will never be the daughter of a Morgue Recycling Department Cleaning Stuff Staff member", she wrote, before disapearing suddently in a pink vortex.
    Poor girl, already out of her mind.
    Some twisted new-born minds also decide to come to life in the bag of an innocent woman in the street just for having fun when the poor lady is accused of ridiculous crimes.
    So the real danger doesn't come from the poor things with a weak brain (of course they also have a dark side, but I'm only working with guys, so it's ok), but from the babies themselves !


  2. I think this should be the scarfolk poster girl - better than a condom any day.

  3. Burberry Withership22 June 2015 at 05:23

    I thank the Dark Lords every day for my mother's absence at my birth. From all accounts she was repointing the family bungalow instead...

  4. I too was one of those children I had a permanent bald spot where my scalp chafed the perspex dome whilst levitating. The fun part was urinating on those below and more than made up for a lack of a maternal role model

  5. They've completely avoided the problem of premature delinquency of the unborn!Plan and pay for a delivery,and the ungrateful little gobshites a no-show,and teleported to the casino!A mothers love means nothing to these lazy spawn.