"Scarfolk Drop" Tourism poster. 1970

Decades before 'assisted suicide' was offered by organisations such as Switzerland's Dignitas, Scarfolk Council had its own kind of 'suicide tourism.'

The mayor and his councillors were always torn between the economic benefits of the tourist industry and not particularly liking outsiders. To balance the dichotomy, advertising man and stand-up arsonist Taylor Church suggested that the tourism board considerably exaggerate how exciting Scarfolk's tourist attractions were and then advertise them to depressives, the terminally ill, etc.

The plan was to raise the hopes of despairing tourists, so that when they arrived at an attraction it was an extreme disappointment - just the nudge they needed to 'take a plunge into the ocean'.

Cleverly, Church also recommended that tourists be guided through gift-shops before visiting the attractions, before disillusionment took too strong a hold.  

After the tourist season ended, Scarfolk children would comb the beaches for washed-up snow globes, key-rings, tea towels and other items which were then resold in the shop.

Sex, Sex, Sex 1978 (Part II)

Here's another page from the 1978 biology textbook taught in Scarfolk schools. This time it's about female reproduction.

You can learn about the complexities of "Male reproduction in males" here.

"Pick off your litter" & Mobile Termination Units (1977)

After the case of James Sprout (go here for more detail) the government realised that parents desired more control over their offspring, so, in 1977, laws pertaining to pregnancy and termination were revised and widely expanded.

Adverts, such as the one posted below, were printed in newspapers, magazines and church newsletters.

Many parents either couldn't find the time to drop off their unwanted children at a termination facility, or they just couldn't be bothered, so the MTU (Mobile Termination Unit) was introduced.

The MTU was a fully-equipped bus which travelled to schools, playgrounds, junior covens and prisons for the under 5s. In an attempt to calm children, sounds of laughter were played through tannoys.

Children dreaded being called out of the classroom by uniformed MTU doctors and desperately feigned undiminished magical abilities, but to no avail: The MTU doctors knew all the ruses and highly-trained government psychics tested each child individually before termination.

By 1979 the numbers of children in Scarfolk (in particular red-haired, bespectacled, and those who never wiped their noses) were drastically reduced, which prompted parent-teacher associations to hold a town fête.

The "Don't" campaign and Kak, 1973

This public information poster is from the "Don't" campaign, which started in 1973.

The council became increasingly concerned that citizens were too actively involved in 'doing.'
Because 'doing' is a morally and politically ambiguous activity the council decided to take control and enforced 'not doing' until they could clarify and ratify only positive, socially acceptable expressions of 'doing.'

The campaign's mascot was called Kak the bird. To disseminate the 'Don't' message among the youth, all school corporal punishment, daily vaccinations, and dentistry had to be carried out by an adult dressed as Kak.

Parents were also encouraged to dress as Kak then rush in on their young, sleeping children at 3am, and screech as loudly as they could: "Don't, don't, don't."

A "Don't" Kak button badge (1973-74)

The ghost of Mrs. Payne (field recording), 1975

The mayor has decided that it's time to hear more from Scarfolk's audio archive.

This post refers to a previous one about the disappearance of primary school music teacher Mrs. Payne whose body was found encased inside an ancient standing stone (go here for more detail)

Forensic examination of the stone revealed that it had originated more than 300 miles away and historians could not ascertain how prehistoric man had transported it to Scarfolk, much less how Mrs Payne had found her way into a 300 million year old rock. The police reported it as a chance accident.

When the stone was broken into chunks and sold as 'Payne's Pain' souvenirs in the Scarfolk gift shop, purchasers began hearing ghostly music in their homes. Additionally, the music was heard at the stone circle where Mrs. Payne's body was found, as well as at the geological site of the stone's origin.

The souvenirs were recalled and buried at the centre of the stone circle in Scarfolk fields, now the only location where the music can still be heard, but only on the anniversary of the death of Payne's husband who found himself unexpectedly dismembered during a pagan ritual competition for the under 10s.

This is a field recording made from the stone circle.

1970s greetings cards

On the subject on stationers (see previous post), here's a greetings card sold during the mid-70s. This one was recently found behind a radiator in the Scarfolk police department of homicide and light entertainment.

Back in 1976 James Sprout was found dead in a Scarfolk canal. He was in a sack weighed down by his favourite toys (Action Man 'plague doctor', Fisher-Price 'death row' and concrete Play-doh)

A murder investigation was soon underway but the police ultimately found no evidence of foul play. They concluded that James had somehow inflicted upon himself a severe head injury from behind then, delirious, climbed into the sack. A forensics expert postulated that while James snoozed, the sack was then dragged four miles by either a vast litter of feral kittens, or the ghosts of unvaccinated foreigners, to the canal bridge where James fell to his watery grave.

When James' grief-stricken parents learned of their son's tragic fate they entered a lengthy period of mourning, consoling themselves by opening a beach-front bar in Barbados where they moved the day after James' funeral.

W. Smith newspapers, magazines, stationery, 1979

Here's a 1979 shopping carrier bag from W. Smith, a leading newsagent, stationers and music shop.

When Winston Smith retired from the Records Department at the Ministry of Truth, he decided to open his own high-street Records Department in Scarfolk.

Daily newspapers were updated every 3 minutes and anyone possessing an out-of-date edition was arrested, prosecuted for dissent, and declared a "Scarfnot" (An "unperson" in Scarfolk).

Books were also constantly rewritten and "unbook" tokens were available. These tokens could be exchanged for any given book's amended pages. Indeed, some books were corrected so frequently that maintaining a single book could run into hundreds if not thousands of pounds.

A book's contents could change drastically. For example, by 1979, the erotic sci-fi thriller, "Affordable Brothel of the 9th Moon of Jupiter," bore little resemblance to its first edition, which was originally titled the "New Testament," a story about a Galilean carpenter who opens a budget furniture store in Sweden.

Most people found it easier not to buy or read books.

Items for sale week of 06/11/1979:

All magazines/comics - 65p:
Women Weakly (Highlighting the disruptive and damaging role of women in society).
Telescreen Fun (A weekly cartoon strip singling out individual children and deriding them for  personal indiscretions).
Rats 'n' Laughs (Hilarious images of people's expressions when hungry rats in cages are attached to their faces. Plus prisoners' letters).

Music dept:
"It's Inner Party Time!" and other public confession LPs & tapes - £3.99.

"Stop The Ripper From Killing Again" Police appeal ads

This police message appeared in national newspapers and as posters in Scarfolk schools, libraries and community centres for occult cloning.

The Lynch case aside, in the late 1970s there was another manhunt underway for the killer of three actresses. The police, desperate to spark the memories of any potential witnesses, planned a reenactment and hired Jonty Lumm, an actor and model who most resembled police sketches of the killer.

During the reenactment Jonty killed the actress hired to play one of the actress victims and the police quickly realised that they would have to engage another actor to portray Jonty in a future reenactment.

Though Jonty Lumm was never found, police reenactments became popular. Scarfolk prison put on its own charity reenactments in which inmates would replay their own crimes for an enthusiastic audience. The 1979 show raised £7,799 for a charity that helped police men and women learn how to read.

"Never Go With Strange Children" public information poster, 1977

This public information poster was ubiquitous during the mid-1970s when there was a spate of cases involving adults being abducted from leisure centres, building sites and nudist beaches.

The police launched a public manhunt hoping that the perpetrator would be swiftly apprehended, but the crimes went unsolved for nearly two years. Terrified grownups would only go outside in groups of four or five and many pubs refused to open.

It was only when a police medium read the entrails of a recently sacrificed tramp that clues were finally unearthed, leading to the arrest of eight year old Steven Benson who had fed his victims to his tortoise, Admiral Twinkles.

When Steven was taken into state care and Admiral Twinkles escaped, it was suggested that the tortoise, which was an illegal immigrant, had used 'Manchurian Candidate' style psychological techniques to manipulate young Steven into subconsciously carrying out his instructions.

"Put Down Old People At Birth" Conservative Party campaign leaflet, 1979

With the funeral of ex-prime minister and hobby taxidermist Margaret Thatcher underway, it is perhaps appropriate that this item from the archive is posted today.

This leaflet was distributed throughout Scarfolk during the 1979 Conservative Party campaign. With such clear policies and faultless logic, it's little wonder that the Tories won the election. The Labour Party had pushed Britain into a deep recession following numerous strikes by miners, postal workers and the royal family who, throughout 1976, refused to politely wave on Tuesdays, weekends and bank holidays.

However, under the Tory government, Scarfolk lost several of its community covens, and the council's plans to convert Scarfolk Towers, the site of a series of occult killings, into a children's nighttime playground were thwarted. Additionally, Scarfolk residents were vexed that mystical phenomena became taxable, which led to an increase in back-street astral projections.

Tupperware urns, 1973

Here's a scan of a Tupperware advert that appeared in a 1973 issue of the The Scarfolk Times Sunday magazine.

Back in the early 1970s, people weren't entirely convinced that death was final, irrespective of whether or not their loved ones had been cremated. The general opinion was: it can't hurt to keep things as fresh as possible. Just in case.

It was around this time that children throughout Scarfolk began seeing ghosts of seahorses drifting on the breeze. Adults could not see the apparitions, so the children were not believed at first, but 'Old Jamton Bones,' a recluse who lived in Scarfolk Woods, came out of his hermitage, proclaiming the seashorses to be an omen.

According to Bones, every forty years the appearance of the seahorses heralds a big change in Scarfolk. For legal reasons, what happened back in 1973 cannot be discussed here, but it is now forty years since their last appearance.

The mayor will keep you posted...

"Let's Learn About...Torture" 1976

This textbook was taught in Scarfolk schools in 1976. Here's an excerpt from the introduction:

"Experts agree that information and its communication will be very important in the late 20th and early 21st centuries. Information will become a commodity, sold only to the highest bidders, so it is crucial that students learn how to acquire information as quickly as possible if they want to survive.

Some information can be found in library books, but oftentimes, the most valuable information is buried inside another person's mind. It is up to pupils to mine that information, much like a prospector searches for coal. Sometimes he will use dynamite, other times a powerful drill is more appropriate. There are many ways that a person's mind may be mined.

Here are just a few techniques that you can try on your classmates:

--Scream at them in a high-pitched, helium-inhaled voice without pause for 47 hours.

--Beat the soles of their feet with an effigy of Jesus made out of frozen, compacted ladybirds.

--Pass a pair of stockings dipped in marmalade through their entire body from anus to mouth and then refuse to let them win a game of Monopoly.

--Bake them at gas mark 4 (350 degrees F) for 45 minutes or until the top becomes a rich, golden brown.

--Staple or glue them to a panicking, claustrophobic ostrich..."

"How to Wash a Child's Brain" Pelican Books, 1971

With the SHS (Scarfolk Health Service) stretched to its limits and running low on resources, parents in the early 1970s were encouraged to remove and wash their children's brains at home.

In 1971 Scarfolk Council collaborated with Pelican Books to produce this handy 21-page guide to brain and cranial cavity cleansing.

An excerpt from the book:

"... Always wear woollen gloves (or mittens) [...] After the child's brain has been removed with the two brain spoons, rinse it in a solution of vinegar, ammonia and curry powder, then rest the brain on a soft cloth or tea towel for a few minutes, or for as long as is convenient. During this time remove all your clothes and incant pagan ritual #23, as found in the appendix (of this book, not your child) [...] Do not spit on the brain or leave it near a hungry or rabid pet, such as a guinea pig [...] If the brain has swelled outside the cranial cavity and will no longer fit, simply snip away part of the frontal or temporal lobe with nail clippers and discard. This will not affect your child's development. [...] If your child has a seizure slap it and insist that bad behaviour will not be tolerated..."

"Black Spot" public discretion cards, 1978

Scarfolk Council had a few problems with outsiders, or "Scarfnots" as they were known, interfering in town affairs throughout the 1970s, so it developed a scheme to encourage civic discretion.

The severity of punishment for a "loose tongue" more or less guaranteed obedience, though a few Black Spot cards were issued.

For example, four year old Jeremy Chapped inadvertently discussed with his "Scarfnot" trepanning teacher the sudden, inexplicable appearances of ancient megaliths in schools and community centres, and found himself facing capital punishment.

In lieu of this penalty he pushed an unloved aunt in the path of a speeding hovercraft for which he received not only a cub scout badge, but also a £5 book token from the mayor.

Meet Mr. Rumbelows, Minister for Health.

Here's another page from the children's book "Let's Sing The Unspeakable Together," which was first published in 1970 (Go here for more details and another excerpt from the book).

Mr. Rumbelows was eventually tracked down by the authorities and coerced back into his position as minister for public health.

However, his obsession with bodily 'tidiness,' as he called it, never abated and by 1977 he was completely limbless. He could only operate his typewriter with a mixture of telekinesis and a complex device made out of lolly-pop sticks, coat hanger wire and double-sided sticky tape.

Mills & Boon: "Catheters, Kisses & Colostomies" 1974

Until 1971 married women were only allowed to leave their husbands' homes if they had the appropriate documentation. The so-called 'Wife Pass' also restricted married ladies to selected shops: supermarkets, hairdressers, bingo halls, etc.

However, once a year, ladies could enter a bookshop (if accompanied by a man), but only to buy recipe books, cheap romance novels, or calenders containing photographs of kittens frolicking in wool.

The 'Pass' listed a wife's government-allocated prettiness rating, her most accomplished household skills (bed making, cooking, dog worming, etc), as well as her preferred brands of washing powder and other cleaning products.

The author of "Catheters, Kisses & Colostomies," Gigi Feague, was actually a violent schizophrenic called Trevor 'Terror' Chlidge who, when not smearing himself with his own faeces and screaming in his Scarfolk Prison cell, wrote dozens of romance books, as well as guides for parents about childcare and child development in general. 

Vicks Vaporub Blindness Ointment, 1978

You've probably not even recovered from the excitement of the last postcard from the mayor's rare 1970s pharmaceutical collection, yet here's another bombshell.

This is the Vicks Vaporub postcard from 1978 that came free with multi-pack orders of prosthetic eyes.
Vicks Vaporub was originally invented to temporarily blind children for up to one hour while parents did things they didn't want their offspring to witness.

The original Vicks formula also contained a psychotropic ingredient that caused hallucinations, but it was withdrawn after a class of contagious children escaped from Scarfolk high-security infant school posing as alarmed peahens.

Summer Holiday Diseases Colouring Book, 1976

This is another page from the hospital records of the anonymous little girl who was found wandering Scarfolk in 1976 (more here)

The colouring book itself was produced by Scarfolk Council Health Board Service Council and was distributed throughout hospitals, schools and junior covens.

While providing children with a fun creative pastime, it also subtly alerted them to the dangers of horrific diseases such as rabies and bed wetting, instilling in the children a deep-seated fear of foreigners, close relatives, harmless household objects, animals, vegetables shaped like animals, and belly buttons (see Barbara the omphalophobic office hand puppet).

Thought-Detector vans, 1973

Many will remember the TV detector vans that stalked suburban Britain in the 1970s.

Scarfolk was chosen to take part in a government scheme that tested the latest technology in thought detection, particularly because of the events surrounding "The Tim Seven" in 1972 (See here and here for more details).

The scheme not only successfully reduced the number of telepathic crimes in Scarfolk, but also exposed hundreds of "wrong thinkers."

According to legislation, "a 'wrong thought' is a thought, which, when thought, contains themes thought to be not right, therefore wrong, and therefore prosecutable. An unthought thought may be potentially wrong, but the thought will not be prosecutable until such a time that the thought has been thought and its themes have been thoroughly thought through and deemed wrong by the authorities. Thinking about which specific thoughts may or may not be prosecutable may also be prosecutable."

In 1975 the mayor's brother, Winston, was one of the 90 people arrested for a "wrong thought" involving TV newsreader Angela Rippon, a jar of Robertson's Marmalade, and garden Swingball.

TV test card & "The Scarfolk Nurse"

Here's a BBC Scarfolk TV testcard from 1970.

The SHS (Scarfolk Health Service) suggested these particular photographs in an attempt to subliminally accustom citizens to the plummeting success rate of state healthcare and to lower their expectations.

But they got more than they bargained for. Throughout the 70s a very faint, ghostly image of a woman's face began inexplicably appearing on Scarfolk's local TV broadcasts. Because she was first seen on this early 'SHS' testcard, she became known as "The Scarfolk Nurse."

She appeared on all kinds of programmes, but was most often seen during children's television broadcasts at times of social unrest. Engineers at the TV station never found a technical explanation for the phenomenon, nor could they for the examples of distant, eerie voices on the radio, which were also attributed to the "Nurse".

Can you see her? She's there if you look hard enough....

"Space Minstrel" by Beige. Prog rock, 1978

Back in the early 1970s, people were listening to progressive rock concept albums by bands such as Genesis, Yes, Jethro Tull, & The Carpenters, but by the late 70s the genre was faltering under its own weight and social attitudes were changing, as is apparent from the anachronistic double gatefold album 'Space Minstrel' released by Scarfolk's very own prog group, Beige.

Beige's guitar, lute and harpoon player, Geoff Djeff: "I'd been struggling for hours to come up with a fresh concept. In a flash of inspiration I got the idea of combining a cosmic apocalypse with my favourite TV programme, 'The Black & White Minstrel Show.'* I knew right away I'd got something really classy..." 

Here's the story of 'Space Minstrel' from the LP's inner sleeve notes:

"The earth has been completely smashed up by a disappointing nuclear war. The only survivor, a minstrel, clings to a big lump of rock that was once part of the Queen's garden. As the minstrel hurtles through the spacious universe, he sings show tunes and music hall favourites to the planets as he passes them. But without a real audience he's soon depressed and considers flinging himself off his rock into a nearby black hole... 

...However, his love of song is too strong. He endures and his voice echoes through the heavens, bouncing off stars, nebulas and other cosmic rubble. 400 billion years and 3 days later, his vocal vibrations are picked up by an alien race called The Capri-Cortina. They discover a bit of thumb in the minstrel's white glove, rebuild him, and create millions of copies. The minstrels are given their own planet called Zipadeedoodah31-TX where they happily sing for what is left of eternity..."

'Space Minstrel' was, perhaps not surprisingly, Beige's second and last album. They disbanded in 1979 and Geoff Djeff formed a short-lived minstrel punk band called 'The Dainty Boys.'

'Space Minstrel' (Scarfolk Records & Tapes. 1977)

Tracklist:
1. The Apocalypso of Creation's Demise
i. Earth Dearth
ii. Part I
iii. Celestial Dixie Suicide (in Top Hat & Tails)

2. The Majestic Cosmos of the Infinity-sized Steamboat Vortex
i. Mammy with the Four Green Arms in 4/4
ii. [Instrumental: Mellotron & banjo duet]
iii. New Horizons of the Intergalactic Space Minstrels in Space

*It's hard to believe now that The Black & White Minstrel Show was so popular and ran for 20 years until 1978. For those who have suppressed the memory, here it is.

LWT & Open University TV broadcast signal intrusions 1974

A while back we told you about a strange aberration that occurred during a Granada TV broadcast in 1978 (see here for more details).

Something similar occurred in 1974 when the TV station idents for both London Weekend Television and BBC's The Open University were similarly affected.

No one knows who invaded the broadcasts, though a radical group of totalitarian gym teachers was suspected, particularly because, during one children's TV programme, a story about Humpty Dumpty was subverted into a lecture on Joseph Stalin's passion for badminton.

"Wake Up!" road safety public information poster

Naturally, road safety is as important in Scarfolk as it is anywhere else.

There was a car accident on Scarfolk Moors in November, 1975. A driver veered off the road after being distracted by a dark, hulking entity stalking across the barren, misty landscape.

The driver tried to film the entity with his Super8 film camera, but the footage is shaky and indistinct.

Many believe this is a confirmed sighting of the 'Scarfolk Beast,' which was spotted on the moors and even around town for many years.

Though many townspeople claim to have seen the 'Beast,' descriptions vary:

"...At first I thought it was a large, hand-knitted tortoise..."

"...It had the head and upper body of a fish and the lower body of a mermaid..."

"...Like a gigantic dropped lasagne with long hair..."

"...It stood up-right like an embarrassed man with an erection..."

"...It didn't look like a creature to me - just an angry tramp in a sleeping bag in a shopping trolley struggling to propel himself along with two drain plungers..."

"Spontaneous! Human Combustion" Annual 1970

**Warning: Contains images of death (& unfashionable footwear)**

The mayor wishes that such a warning had been issued on publications in the 1970s. Maybe millions of children wouldn't have been terrified by the superfluity of glossy monthly magazines and cheap horror books which sensationalised gruesome occult subjects.


Grown ups in Scarfolk preferred their children to have a more hands-on approach to the supernatural, or 'the natural', as it's called here.

In 1970, Scarfolk had its own after-school kids' light entertainment TV show called "Spontaneous! Human Combustion." Though it ran for only one series, it sparked a catchphrase still occasionally heard today: "Douse the louse, Mr. Chrysanthemum!" (The name of the show's host).

This is the show's only Christmas annual.

Sadocrem

Back in the very early 70s, Sadocrem was also used as a low-fat butter substitute or whipped and added to fruit trifles.

"Is your mummy who she says she is?"

On the subject of strange visitors to Scarfolk, in October, 1974, there was a spate of cases involving parents being supplanted by eerie impostors. The frauds looked uncannily like their real counterparts and only children could spot the subtle differences.

For a time, affected children found a gritty substance in their school milk. At first poison was suspected but it turned out to be sand from a beach hundreds of miles away.

Despite police investigations none of the impostors were ever positively identified and there was a growing belief in the community that they might not even be human.

The impostors vanished as inexplicably as they had arrived and the children's real bewildered parents were found wandering on the very same beach from which the sand had originated. They had no idea how they got there, how long they had been away, or what had happened during their absence.

This leaflet/flyer was distributed in comic books, at schools, and in toy shops.

Field recording: "The Tim Seven" / Birds. Summer 1972

A few posts back we broached the subject of 'The Tim Seven.' 

"Seven tourists visited that summer. Oddly, they were all called Timothy, wore identical clothes and appeared to communicate with each other telepathically. Everyone in Scarfolk called them 'The Tim Seven'.

Three days after they arrived in Scarfolk all the birds disappeared and for months after the Tims left whenever Scarfolk residents tried to use their telephones all they could hear on the other end was distant, frantic backward birdsong."
http://www.scarfolk.blogspot.de/2013/02/scarfolk-tourism-poster-1972.html

Some of you have expressed disbelief that these events actually occurred, which has vexed the mayor. He spent all afternoon rummaging around in the archives in search of one of the reels that were recorded at the time. So, for all you naysayers, here it is. This was recorded on the 4th July, 1972 from one of the council office telephones. This is the raw recording and it has not been tampered with in any way.

Fuzzy-Felt Dystopia, 1976

A young girl was found wandering the streets of Scarfolk in 1976. She claimed that she had escaped from a secret school hidden beneath the town hospital.

She was sent to Scarfolk Hills mental facility where, in brief lucid states between medication regimes and electro-therapy, she created this image again and again.

Her claims were never investigated.

Water Electrification, 1974

This public information message was posted on walls around Scarfolk and published as a full-page ad in the local weekly newspaper, The Scarfolk Herald.

Very soon after water electrification began many Scarfolk children started recalling previous lives. Six year old Dominic Flinch could remember the whole of his history through innumerable incarnations.

For example, he was surprised to recall that, two thousand years ago, one of his previous selves had invented Christmas purely to get out of going to school. It quickly became a popular excuse and flourished.

Dominic also recalled being a duck.

Sex. Sex. Sex. 1978

Nobody forgets school sex education lessons. Here's a page from a 1978 biology textbook taught in Scarfolk schools.

Our biology teacher was called Mr. Poppets. In 1975 he and his wife were involved in some kind of cult-related skiing accident. Tragically, his wife was killed and he lost an eye.

Mr. Poppets made a tiny model of his wife which he installed inside a miniature snow globe. The snow globe was then inserted into his eye socket to replace the lost eye.

During lessons he would stand in front of the mirror, lightly shake his head from side to side, and drunkenly mumble the lyrics of Brotherhood of Man's Eurovision hit "Save Your Kisses for Me."*

*For those of you who may have forgotten this heartrending song here it is again.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KxJyv11qEnc

Scarfolk tourism poster 1972

Despite the letter spacing typo on the poster, Scarfolk's 1972 tourism campaign was as successful as the mayor had hoped. Seven tourists visited that summer. Oddly, they were all called Timothy, wore identical clothes and appeared to communicate with each other telepathically. Everyone in Scarfolk called them 'The Tim Seven'.

Three days after they arrived in Scarfolk all the birds disappeared and for months after the Tims left whenever Scarfolk residents tried to use their telephones all they could hear on the other end was distant, frantic backward birdsong.

'The Tim Seven' also claimed they could psychically channel a long-dead Scarfolk resident - a fifteenth century plague doctor called Ranlyn Spangles - but they could only pick up his thoughts that referred to wigs or soup spoons.

The 'Inoc-uous' vaccination machine

Scarfolk primary school installed one of these Inoc-uous devices in the basement in 1974. The entire school's pupils queued up for their daily jabs while singing hymns.

The inventors of the Inoc-uous were originally from Berlin but moved to the UK in late 1945 to avoid prosecution and were snapped up by Scarfolk Pharmaceuticals. They also invented a range of air-fresheners and the artificial flavouring that would eventually be marketed as 'prawn cocktail'.

The Children of Scarfolk Primary School - "In the Playground with the Music Room Window Open, May 13, 1975"

Back in 1975 the children of Scarfolk primary school released their own 45rpm record to commemorate their music teacher Mrs Payne who disappeared in mysterious circumstances. Her body was found encased inside one of the thirteen ancient standing stones just outside Scarfolk.

Proceeds from the sale of the single went toward the building of a new coven and affiliated gift shop.

BBC's "We Watch You Watching Us"

This 6 hour programme was made by BBC Scarfolk and only broadcast locally.

Shown on Sunday evenings, it was made by the same production company that made BBC's Song of Praise, Prayer for the Day and other programmes with totalitarian themes.

Scarfolk Ice-Cream range, 1979

In Scarfolk the ice-cream van man comes between 3 & 4am. You can hear him blaring the haunting Swedish Rhapsody numbers station* from over a mile away.

The ice-cream van man wears a clown mask to disguise the horrific burns on his face because he doesn't want to frighten the children. He uses clothes pegs to hold the mask on because he is missing an ear.

He lives in a nondescript building in an electrical substation and no one knows his name.

*Here's a recording of Scarfolk's ice-cream van playing the Swedish Rhapsody Numbers Station.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GUQUD3IMbb4

"Medium-sized illness" State healthcare in early 1970s Scarfolk

The state healthcare system - the SHS (Scarfolk Health Service) - fiercely encourages people not to be sick.

In 1974 there is a total budget of 29 pounds 102 pence per person. The SHS is very reluctant to help you.

To receive tolerable healthcare, residents are encouraged to give each other medical gift-tokens, which can be spent at any clinic, pharmacy, hardware shop or oil refinery.

This poster was on the walls of most hospitals and clinics.

Sing-A-Long I.R.A Telephone Bomb Threats (BBC cassette,1976)

Here in early 1970s Scarfolk, children's TV was on right before the evening news, so fun and games were constantly juxtaposed with 'the troubles' in Northern Ireland and bombings in the UK.

Somehow it all got mixed up in our young, troubled little heads and left us feeling very unsettled.

Here's a tape distributed by Scarfolk Media in 1976.

"Let's Sing The Unspeakable Together" (1970)

This is a page from a 1200 page book aimed at 4 to 6 year olds called "Let's Sing The Unspeakable Together."

The aim of the book was to familiarise young children with the town of Scarfolk, and some of its residents, through a series of infamous local unpleasantnesses.

It was first published by Scarfolk Books in 1970 but was reprinted and expanded in 1979 to include more impactful scenarios, crimes, and sheet music for recorder.

"Learn to Swim. Don't become extinct" A public information poster from Scarfolk Council

This 1972 poster was on my doctor's waiting room wall as well as the Scarfolk infant school noticeboard next to a poster about the dangers of gonorrhoea and nose picking.

The 'Learn to Swim' campaign came about because of a genuine, tragic case: In March of 1971 ten year old Darren Quetzalcoatl drowned in a reservoir after jumping in after his toy Micropachycephalosaurus. However, Micropachycephalosaurus wouldn't fit on the poster.

In honour of Darren, his actual arm was used during the photo shoot for the poster.

Children's weekly magazine "Look-In" from 1978

Even children's magazines in Scarfolk left the reader uneasy and disquieted. All my copies of Look-In were hidden after 5pm so that I could calm down before bedtime.

"Dormin Slowly Died with the Radio On" (Scarfolk Records 1974)

From Scarfolk Records 1974.
The debut ambient album from 'Ragle' called "Dormin Slowly Died With The Radio On. Parts 1-82"
This is part 71.
It won 2nd prize at the Scarfolk harvest festival, having lost out to Gary Butters from Scarfolk primary school, class 5, who came 1st with his song "Eagle Eye Action Man."
Ragle was the stage name of Eddie Rumpburn who was the manager of Twazzle's Hardware shop on East Twazzle Parade between 1970 and 1978. 

Oh Golly...

Here's a rare "Golly" design that didn't make the cut, unfortunately. Scarfolk Board of Art & Design decided that it wasn't degrading enough, so they went with the other design.

Strangers in Parks public information billboard/poster

Scarfolk public information says: 

"If you are accosted by a stranger in the park always negotiate and clearly state your terms upfront."

"A Day at the Seaside" (Scarfolk Music & Audio Library Vol. 1)

Scarfolk Council is proud to announce its musical debut!

Here's "A Day at the Seaside" from the "Scarfolk Music & Audio Library Vol. 1" released in 1973.

Click below on the soundcloud two-channel stereophonic music-centre. No batteries or cables needed. No home taping.

Rabies public information poster from 1972

A  poster frequently seen around Scarfolk in the early 70s, especially in schools, libraries and hospitals.

Scarfolk's tourism highlights

A page from Scarfolk's 1970 tourism literature.

"Scarfolk is more than its famous sewage treatment works, it's more than its high security mental facilities; it's more than its world renowned covens; it's more than its fine reputation which it rebuilt after a spate of grizzly serial killings..."